A question I find myself asking alot.

This is the longest I’ve not really spoken with my boyfriend. i mean, i have to be around him sometimes, because hes friends with the people that are my friends. and its awkward, we’ll say a sentence or two, maybe hug or kiss once. and thats that. what kills me even more is that he doesn’t seem at all affected by this. I cant bring myself to speak to him formally though. I cant let him ‘win’ this one. every other time he does something that pisses me off, I end up apologizing and breaking the silence- because i hate not being with him, i hate not talking to him. But i want him to know that I’m really hurting over this. [ In case i forgot to write about this earlier, I’m upset that -even though we haven’t seen each other alot- he would rather be with his friends than spend an hour with me, without only making out or doing anything ’sexual’. I made plans to go pick him up for lunch one day (because i happened to have the car) and i called him before i left and he said his friend was going to pick him up, but that we could all still meet for lunch and to meet him there. I waited for an hour. the only thing he did was text me (after i texted him first) saying they ‘accidentally went the wrong way’ (even though i specifically told him where it was) and that he was sorry. specifically he texted, “Yeah, sorry.” and nothing else. so i left. and, like a girl, cried the whole way home. he called later asking where i was because he was at the place (finally). at least he had the courtesy to call AFTER.

If any guys are reading, yo probably think I’m just a stupid emotional bitch, or something. but i don’t really care. I’m hurting, and this blog is my way of venting. i really cant talk to any of my friends about it, because i never see my best friend anymore. my other best friend hates my boyfriend, and all my other friends would more than likely go to him and tell him what i said. which, would get the point across, but i want HIM to know why I’m upset. i don’t want him to have to be told.

I hate all this. and I’m continuing to break my own heart. and it sucks. i love him. hes my first real love. but its breaking my heart because so many things are making me think we are going to have to break up.

This is affecting me so much. I’m physically and emotionally different. i’m not as cheery, i just kind of silently walk along. all sad-like.

I hate this.

Its true.
I never see my friends or boyfriend anymore.

In fact, i consider myself pretty friendless right now. And probably boyfriendless soon.

I blame myself, really. who would want to be friends with me? who would want to date me? a damn fool, thats who. i wouldnt date me.

wow, ive always kinda wondered what a broken heart feels like… now i want more than anything for it to be fixed, but i’m the only one who can fix it. but i dont know how to fix it.

i never wanted to cry over a boy again.

i never wanted to cry again.

*sigh*

is dying too easy of a way out?

And lots of it.

I had the weirdest dream last night.

about shopping at a local discount store with my boyfriends family, and finding a bunch of gameboys around the store (later to discover they were planted there to see how many people would turn them in or keep them). and then about these 3 guys that wanted to kill me and my family, they kept popping up in my dream. You know how you usually have a dream, then another, and another? they just keep going into each other? well this was one huge constant dream with different plots happening the whole time. There was a point in the dream where i had found a whole bunch of lost treasures, and i went to go return them to lost and found, but the store was closed (but i was still in the store) and this girl was there with me, (i think she was my best friend or something) and she starts puttin the moves on me! :| that went on for a while. then we heard someone in the store so we went to go look, and i turned around and she wasnt there anymore. then my boyfriend was there just kind of walking around and i ran up to him and said “I want number 16 right now.” and he asked what that was, and i showed him a sexual positions book i found. it was this kind of rockingchair motion, its hard to describe to be honest. anyway, right when things were getting good i hear my moms voice telling me to wake up.

GAH.

she ruins everything :/

there was also some weird ending with the badguys…. like i got them trapped in my house and i had them on tape and voice recorded saying theyre plot, but it was like a suspenseful horror movie. they killed everyone but me in awful weird ways., but i was scarred…

so a dream about bargain shopping, creepy homicide, and odd sex fantasies…. peculiar, dont you hink?

ive realized that I’m mostly using this whole blogging thing as a journal. Like a “Dear Diary” type thing. Except i leave out some intimate details because you guys read these sometimes. I don’t really even mind that these “diary entries” are being read. because most of the time i only write in a journal because i want to either remember that moment, or tell someone about it, but cant. So now I’m remembering AND telling. Its also much easier typing than writing…

Anyway, nothing too eventfull happened today. i babysat this afternoon. These adorable twins :] i love them! then i went to work. yep. i worked all day pretty much. fuuuun.

not. I’m SOOO tired. gah. i dont even know why….

anyways; peace bro-skyy

Lately, i find myself dreaming of my daughter. Alot.

Some might not think this is weird; but i do not have a daughter. i dont have a kid. ive never given birth or been pregnant, or adopted or anything. Its weird. Shes about 4 years old, and always has on a sundress. she has dark shiny wavy hair, and beautiful light brown eyes. which i find odd, because usually im totally against brown hair or eyes, (i think theyre too common and i like people that stand out) but on her, its gorgeous. shes perfect. before recently i always pictured my daughter with light hair and blue or green eyes and always at a pre-teen/teen age. I’m kind of taken aback by these dreams. because i want to meet her, but i do not want a kid right now. Idk, we’ll see how things pan out.

On an unrelated side-note, i feel like my boyfriend and i are growing apart. not emotionally, i love him more than anything. but physically. i mean hes moving to quarts hill. he dosent want to continue going to school, and get an apprenticeship at some body piercing place in Santa Clarita. Which means hes either gonna move there, or commute there. both are not so fun. And lately we seem to be butting heads about alot more. like were losing things that we have in common. *sigh* it blows. OH. and in the dream, he is my daughters father. hes where she gets her beautiful hair and eyes from. and her fair complexity from me.

GAH! I’m in such a state of confusion.

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