Yep.

So i’ve started my first year of college at a JC in town. ( its cause im cheap, not ”dumb”) and i’m actually very excited about my classes. i have;

-Nutrition on Tuesdays

-Psychology on Wednesdays

-Physical Science and Philosophy on Thursdays &

-Physical science on Fridays.

All my teachers are super nice and dont seem to be too difficult. ( i ‘ratemyprofessors.com-ed their asses)… ;p

I’m suprised though. i was confident that all my classes would be cake except for my physical science class. and that might be true, but somehow i got dubbed ‘the smart one’ in my physical science class-just because i know common things like what happens to a stationary toy car when another one rams into it. etc. and its suprisingly easy so far. in fact, i htink my most difficult class might be psychology. but not even. because theres only one paper, and no midterm or final. The class im MOST excited about though, is Philosophy! eeeee! i just came ^.^ tmi? … suck a fat one. no, but seriously…. im SO interested in EVERYTHING this professor does and says- because it s almost exactly how i think. and im so jazzed about what he has to teach me and all the class discussions and its just gonna rock. I’m thinking of majoring in philosophy. and either becoming a professor, or a laywer….. lol we’ll see where that goes.

anywho, i’m going to try to make my posts more philosophical. just to…. ‘get in the mood’ :)

i had to spend the day at my grandmas non air conditioned house in hemet, packing up shit in 115 degree weather, only to discover that the car wont start when we wanna leave…..

i had a good day. i was actually in a good mood today – no, a fantastic mood. me and my family were getting along, nothing was bothering me. i wasn’t at all depressed about anything. everything was good.

but why did it suddenly go wrong?
why did i have this episode?

*sigh* idk

to quote a fantastic movie; “And then the clouds opened up, and God said, ‘i hate you Alphalpha.”

i hate who i am.
i hate what i do
to myself and everyone around me.
I’m so fucking fake. im an awful asshole to my family, but only because i feel like they deserve it.
i hate hanging out with my friends unless my boyfriend is there.
why? because i hate fucking drama.
also; i hate never being able to be part of the conversations that are happening. i mean, sometimes i am included, and i talk and i laugh and its all jolly, but i swear people, 75% of the time i’m just fucking staring out the widow or picking at my nails. dont get me wrong, you’re good company but shit; include me.
but its okay, im probably just too much of a fuckin martyr so thats why im staring out the window all the time…. thats it.
also, i would absolutely LOVE to party! i would love to not have a goddamn care in the world and go out and drink and smoke and party and not care about what happens. but i cant. and i distance myself from you so you dont make me want to ruin my already pathetic life.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME??
i mean, fuck.. what the fuck went wrong?
why am i so crazy and depressed and just gvreonbolnfewajol…..

seriously!! right now, i’m fucking CRYING over the fact that the last thing i told my boyfriend was ‘i love you too’ and he hasnt said anything back to me., but i dont want to text him back, because is that me being to clingy? will he just think im a crazy ho?? shit i probably am… i cry over him alot. i cry because he can do so much better than me. and the moment he realizes it, im gone.i mean.who would want me when they can have better?

im wasting away. i spend my days eating junk food watching tv. occasionally driving somewhere because driving fast while listening to music makes me happy. it makes me feel better.

i hope i die in my fuckin’ sleep. i dont deserve life. and everyone would just be relieved if i did die.

…there i go being a fucking martyr again…. fuck me.

This was another weird one.

Well, i like, lived in my house with all my friends kinda. but then my camp was my house. but then it was like a mall-store that was my camp and all my friends were there. and i was friends with The Todd from Scrubs. And i was shopping for underwear and asking his advice on which ones to get. But i couldn’t find him and then i got lost and found my way into a like… restroom/changing room place. and it was huge. so i’m walking down this aisle of doors and i run into two of my friends -who are going out with each other- and someone farts, and my guy friend says it was me, but i just keep walking and go into one of the doors to use the restroom. but while im going, these two little boys show up in the stall and one of them is telling me that i cant be in there and that hes mad at me and such. and i keep trying to get him out and he finally leaves. and when i finally leave, im carrying these planks of wood for the camp and im in my room and listening in on the camp meeting. i notice there are alot of names carved into the planks of wood. so i go to take them outside and my two friends i saw before are sitting outside my door. i say hi and keep walking, then i see this huge bug and its scary looking so i throw a book at it to squash it. it lands on the bug but it dosent die, and it starts flying at me, so i freak out and run to my room and shut the door. my friends sitting outside finally convince me to open th door, and the bug flies in so i run out screaming. i dont really remember some of this part. i know i was at my boyfriends house walking around the neighborhood and there was a natural disaster of some kind happening. but i do remember the next part. i was in my room, but it wasnt my house. and one of my guy friends that i dont see too often was there. and he was drunk or something. but we were sitting on my bed talking and he kept getting close to me, and he kissed me. and i didnt kiss back. but i didnt pull away. i think because i was in shock. and after that i kept telling him not to tell anyone about it, and that it was just a mistake, and he kept questioning me. then he did it again and more agressively. and i couldnt do anything about it. and i tried to pull away. and my alarm woke me up at that point. im kindof weirded out though.
cause i felt bad because i had a boyfriend. but it sad or anger. it was fear.

idk. right now my mind is quite unstable. like, im trying to find a therapist before i do anything super stupid.

I dont want to breakup with my boyfriend, but i feel like were not clicking like we used to. its depressing, really.

blaghfcbdsfbwea

yah….

haha well, we all knew this would happen… :)

Okay, well maybe not ‘we all’ but i sure did.

I knew i would stop writing alot after a certain point. Theres not real reason, really. i just get all my venting out and i feel like i don’t need to share my life as much anymore. but i will. things will happen or i’ll get bored and come back. IT dosent really matter, anywho. I’m doing this for me, not anyone else

So last weekend, my family and i went to Lake Castaic. we brought the boat and went tubing and had lunch on the lake and everything. it was alright. my family got all peeved at me for not getting in the water though… bah. oh well

also, i went to magic mountain with a couple of my friends, and my boyfriend on monday. it was pretty awesome. we went on X2 and it rocked our socks! there was fire!! ahhhh!! and there were 6 of us so it worked out very well since there were pairs.

also, i registered for my college classes! ahhhhhhh one more step into the real world! :C

BAH!

:) peace out