:)

We were laying in bed together, you know- as most couples do…- And we got to talking. We talked about so much. How he kind of liked my best friend once a long long time ago. How our relationship has been rough, but its made us stronger. Different sexual things we should try… :p How he would bring me flowers everyday after i die, and if not i’d haunt him. :) But after it all, i told him how i’m always afraid of losing him and he’s the best thing thats ever happened to me, He looked at me (with SUCH an intensity) and told me that he would ALWAYS love me. No matter what. And i would always be his first love. to which i corrected, ‘only love.’ :)

it was one of those moments that makes everything else seem silly and irrelevant.

This was another weird one.

Well, i like, lived in my house with all my friends kinda. but then my camp was my house. but then it was like a mall-store that was my camp and all my friends were there. and i was friends with The Todd from Scrubs. And i was shopping for underwear and asking his advice on which ones to get. But i couldn’t find him and then i got lost and found my way into a like… restroom/changing room place. and it was huge. so i’m walking down this aisle of doors and i run into two of my friends -who are going out with each other- and someone farts, and my guy friend says it was me, but i just keep walking and go into one of the doors to use the restroom. but while im going, these two little boys show up in the stall and one of them is telling me that i cant be in there and that hes mad at me and such. and i keep trying to get him out and he finally leaves. and when i finally leave, im carrying these planks of wood for the camp and im in my room and listening in on the camp meeting. i notice there are alot of names carved into the planks of wood. so i go to take them outside and my two friends i saw before are sitting outside my door. i say hi and keep walking, then i see this huge bug and its scary looking so i throw a book at it to squash it. it lands on the bug but it dosent die, and it starts flying at me, so i freak out and run to my room and shut the door. my friends sitting outside finally convince me to open th door, and the bug flies in so i run out screaming. i dont really remember some of this part. i know i was at my boyfriends house walking around the neighborhood and there was a natural disaster of some kind happening. but i do remember the next part. i was in my room, but it wasnt my house. and one of my guy friends that i dont see too often was there. and he was drunk or something. but we were sitting on my bed talking and he kept getting close to me, and he kissed me. and i didnt kiss back. but i didnt pull away. i think because i was in shock. and after that i kept telling him not to tell anyone about it, and that it was just a mistake, and he kept questioning me. then he did it again and more agressively. and i couldnt do anything about it. and i tried to pull away. and my alarm woke me up at that point. im kindof weirded out though.
cause i felt bad because i had a boyfriend. but it sad or anger. it was fear.

idk. right now my mind is quite unstable. like, im trying to find a therapist before i do anything super stupid.

I dont want to breakup with my boyfriend, but i feel like were not clicking like we used to. its depressing, really.

blaghfcbdsfbwea

yah….

seeing as how my internet thing is missing…. :/ awkwardddd.

So the boyfriend is is Nashville. :[ very far. very not with me. I will not see him for 3 whole weeks. GAH. Because the day he gets back, is the day i leave to go be a counselor at my diabetes summer camp for two weeks.

fjkeslakfwsh.

Anywho, i officially DONT have any “Best friend” right now. just multiple friend-like things. awesommme.

I’m excited.

So, it’s fourth of July, and i’m hiding away in my room because if i go downstairs to my parents party, i’ll either end up babysitting, or being picked on my the ‘adults’. no bueno. and for SOME reason, i cant go out to my friends house. AWESOME. I’m not sure why, really.

So, on an unrelated side-note; i had a dream the other night about this guy from my camp that i used to practically be in love with. and as awful as it sounds, the pressure of doing something with him at camp this year is unbearable. i love my boyfriend, but something deep down tells me that we wont be together forever… and i love this guy, we have like EVERYTHING in common. he doesn’t know i love him. and to be honest, i know that nothing will happen with him. but i’m afraid of me starting to love him again. no bueno.

*sigh* i need to clean my motha fuckin’ room.

:/

A question I find myself asking alot.

This is the longest I’ve not really spoken with my boyfriend. i mean, i have to be around him sometimes, because hes friends with the people that are my friends. and its awkward, we’ll say a sentence or two, maybe hug or kiss once. and thats that. what kills me even more is that he doesn’t seem at all affected by this. I cant bring myself to speak to him formally though. I cant let him ‘win’ this one. every other time he does something that pisses me off, I end up apologizing and breaking the silence- because i hate not being with him, i hate not talking to him. But i want him to know that I’m really hurting over this. [ In case i forgot to write about this earlier, I’m upset that -even though we haven’t seen each other alot- he would rather be with his friends than spend an hour with me, without only making out or doing anything ’sexual’. I made plans to go pick him up for lunch one day (because i happened to have the car) and i called him before i left and he said his friend was going to pick him up, but that we could all still meet for lunch and to meet him there. I waited for an hour. the only thing he did was text me (after i texted him first) saying they ‘accidentally went the wrong way’ (even though i specifically told him where it was) and that he was sorry. specifically he texted, “Yeah, sorry.” and nothing else. so i left. and, like a girl, cried the whole way home. he called later asking where i was because he was at the place (finally). at least he had the courtesy to call AFTER.

If any guys are reading, yo probably think I’m just a stupid emotional bitch, or something. but i don’t really care. I’m hurting, and this blog is my way of venting. i really cant talk to any of my friends about it, because i never see my best friend anymore. my other best friend hates my boyfriend, and all my other friends would more than likely go to him and tell him what i said. which, would get the point across, but i want HIM to know why I’m upset. i don’t want him to have to be told.

I hate all this. and I’m continuing to break my own heart. and it sucks. i love him. hes my first real love. but its breaking my heart because so many things are making me think we are going to have to break up.

This is affecting me so much. I’m physically and emotionally different. i’m not as cheery, i just kind of silently walk along. all sad-like.

I hate this.

This is more addicting than i thought… and by ‘this’ i mean blogging, of course. I can see how some of you get sucked into it so easily.

Although; i think its greatly different from person to person- i write about teenage girl crap such as boys friends, school, life etc. and some older guy could just purely write about how many tacos he’s eaten in his life and the varieties of them.

… okay maybe not tacos. But you get my point.

Anyway; Who’s up for todays update??

Awesome! Okay, So i’m happy cause i’ve been getting to spend time with my friends lately- including my best friend who i never see anymore. but also including her boyfriend. I’m going to be honest;i don’t particularly care for him. I don’t like that he asked her out and they barely even knew each other. I don’t like how quickly their relationship is moving ( i wouldn’t be surprised if they were married tomorrow.) But i think that i mostly don’t like that he stole her away from me. I understand wanting to spend time with your boyfriend… but blowing off your friends for him? AND, to top it off, He got pissed off at me when me and a few of our friends went to magic mountain without her. EVEN THOUGH SHE MOST LIKELY DIDN’T GO BECAUSE OF HIM! Yeah, thats right. She CHOSE not to go. but i get the cold shoulder. wtf… I don’t like how “perfect” he is, also. I can see why she loves him, he practically worships her, and always acts like a ‘gentleman’ with her.

I don’t know. maybe i’m just paranoid about losing my (soon to be former) best friend…. over a guy!

Fucking teenage drama bullshit.

Anyway; So my other best friend- the one thats in Hawaii right now- called me last night, practically in tears. Apparently her other two best friends are making her feel like shit, and she really wishes i were there. She told me that she doesn’t think shell stay friends with them anymore- which sucks! i don’t want her to lose her two best friends from grade school. I don’t like seeing her this upset. :[ As much as i wish i could be there, im kind of glad that i’m not. Cause i know about this shit. Put a bunch of teenage girls together on a tropical island far away, and shit happens. granted; i tend to not get caught in the fights. i’m mostly the moderator. i try to make things better between both parties. Thats just how i am, i guess.

AUGH. i hope everything ends up getting resolved. i detest conflict.

PeaceOut,PiggieSnout.