i hate who i am.
i hate what i do
to myself and everyone around me.
I’m so fucking fake. im an awful asshole to my family, but only because i feel like they deserve it.
i hate hanging out with my friends unless my boyfriend is there.
why? because i hate fucking drama.
also; i hate never being able to be part of the conversations that are happening. i mean, sometimes i am included, and i talk and i laugh and its all jolly, but i swear people, 75% of the time i’m just fucking staring out the widow or picking at my nails. dont get me wrong, you’re good company but shit; include me.
but its okay, im probably just too much of a fuckin martyr so thats why im staring out the window all the time…. thats it.
also, i would absolutely LOVE to party! i would love to not have a goddamn care in the world and go out and drink and smoke and party and not care about what happens. but i cant. and i distance myself from you so you dont make me want to ruin my already pathetic life.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME??
i mean, fuck.. what the fuck went wrong?
why am i so crazy and depressed and just gvreonbolnfewajol…..

seriously!! right now, i’m fucking CRYING over the fact that the last thing i told my boyfriend was ‘i love you too’ and he hasnt said anything back to me., but i dont want to text him back, because is that me being to clingy? will he just think im a crazy ho?? shit i probably am… i cry over him alot. i cry because he can do so much better than me. and the moment he realizes it, im gone.i mean.who would want me when they can have better?

im wasting away. i spend my days eating junk food watching tv. occasionally driving somewhere because driving fast while listening to music makes me happy. it makes me feel better.

i hope i die in my fuckin’ sleep. i dont deserve life. and everyone would just be relieved if i did die.

…there i go being a fucking martyr again…. fuck me.

I’m obviously new at this…

But… Well…. Lets face it; We ALL want to rant about our lives, and what crappy or wonderful days we had. We ALL want to write about who said what about who, even though were ’sworn to secrecy’ I used to think(and partially still do think) that blogs are silly. That people who write blogs are just attention whores–which, in retrospect, may verwell be true, because i have lowered myself to the bloggers world.

So, Lets do this, shall we?

Basically, I’m on my own right now. My car doesn’t work, My boyfriend doesn’t have a license, My best friend has abandoned me for her boyfriend(and also the death of her dog she’s had since she was a baby-which i understand), and she wont even drive the half a mile to my house to see me. My other best friend-the one that has been there for me more than ever these past few weeks- is in Hawaii with her two best friends(besides me). I’m pretty much home alone during the day because my dad works, and so does my mom(but she has more irregular hours) who ignores me or makes me do ‘chores’ when she IS home, and my sister-who hates me and will do anything to make me want to be homicidal towards her- is at school. I gotta tell you; so far life outside of high school isn’t too fun.

Anyways; i feel like since the people I’m usually close with aren’t available, I’m making friends and decisions that i wouldn’t normally make otherwise. None of which i will say here because, honestly, who KNOWS who reads these things?

yep.

aww I’m so proud!

My First Rant. :’)

Peace&ChickenGrease